Many parents of young children want to know how they can prevent their young ones from developing mental illness. We feel that there are five factors that can protect them against the onset of anxiety, depression or poor self-esteem in childhood or adolescence.
Loving our Child
Even though research tells us the time spent in the womb profoundly shapes a child, children are not usually born with mental illness, So the parents or care-givers of the child have a great deal of influence on them.
Right from the start, the way we interact with them (gently and tenderly), meet their needs (promptly and accurately) and create a physical and emotional environment where they can feel secure, lays the foundations for emotional stability. And this is a great start! This early emotional security is a key here - a child can never relax if they don’t feel safe and secure. As a result a pattern of disturbance can develop that can continue into adulthood. As the authors of the Minnesota Study point out:
Blunting one’s feelings so as not to express needs, isolating oneself feeling alienated from others and failing to turn to them when stressed, make life very difficult, especially in the social arena. Chronic vigilance, apprehension, and worry about needs being met take a toll.
Fortunately, it’s a rare parent who doesn’t feel a great deal of love for their child, but does the child know and feel that love? There is an art to tuning in to connect with the child’s needs so they deeply know that they are loved. In counselling we have a phrase for this – accurate empathy. If a person feels the therapist really understands them, really ‘gets them’, therapy is much more likely to be effective. It is not uncommon in therapy to hear a depressed person acknowledge that they ‘know’ their parents loved them but there’s a gap – they didn’t feel the love. They may not have felt cherished - they may not feel they had their parent’s attention or priority, or have been listened to or understood.
So it’s good to observe our children closely and notice how they respond to different types of attention. Just as adults respond when their partner tunes in to their special ‘love language’ so do children. So as parents we can ask: Do they adore being cuddled and massaged, do they light up when you bring them a present, do their little chests puff up when you compliment them with kind words? Some children are thrilled when you fix their favourite toy or make a dress-up just for them and others just love hanging out with you, chatting and spending time with you.
To be aware of our child’s preferences takes patience and thoughtfulness in our busy lives, but it is well worth the effort. Don’t underestimate the impact this can have on a child. When someone feels deeply loved and understood they feel free, validated, confident, fearless, creative and internally strong and these qualities breed resilience and are a wonderful buffer against any form of mental illness.